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Thank you.

 

I am having a terrible time with anxiety. I have a pit in my stomach. The only thing I can think of is that the pressure of John's last day being next week is creating turmoil subconciously...but I actually feel ok with all that because I know the Lord will provide. I don't really even feel nervous...there's not a thing I can do about it one way or another. I pray for John and trust that He is working, which I can see happening as the past two days some good things have happened.

 

I have much to do, but am having a terrible time even focusing on one thing to complete. I'm spinning my wheels.

 

We have a mouse in the house and we haven't seen it for about two weeks. I said last night to John and guess what? This morning Sarah saw it. Therefore, Daniel will not come downstairs, which throws everything off, needless to say. He refuses (out of fear) to come to the table to eat. Of course, we aren't doing any school either because that happens at the table. I'm not stable enough today to deal with a full blown temper tantrum of his. I felt that it would be unloving of me to make him come to the table when he is so scared of seeing a mouse.

 

I have a couple other things that are really bothering me but won't bother going into all that here.

 

 

 

So why do I want to hide? I feel "scared" and I don't know what about.  I might be starting my period which sometimes throws my emotions around.

 

Yesterday I basically couldn't cope with this feeling. I went upstairs and laid down on the bed.

 

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was writing this email, then got up and disposed of glue trap. got rolling, cleaned living room, feeling better

Anxiety

Lord, I had anxiety today again. I kinda thought it was gone.  I DO want you to be in control of my life and I repent of wanting to control it myself.

Today 2

Dear M,

  It is common when the Lord wants to set us free from something, that it flares up.  Our flesh flares up into our face so that we can see it for what it is and when it's time for us to be free, we're disgusted by it, and we really WANT IT GONE. Up until that time we are wavering between the flesh and the spirit, working hard at putting down our flesh, but there comes a time when the Lord wants to set you free of it, to where it no longer has a grip on you.  I encourage you to press into the Lord for the freedom He wants to bring you, both over disdain for your family, and over the fear.  

All the fears you mention seem to center around things you really can't control, and so I'm wondering if your fear is actually about losing control.  God wants to be in control of all of your life, and to do so, you have to let go of keeping it all under your control.  Is that what you want?  God's control over your life?  Cry out to Him and tell Him so.

Let's pray for you tonight, that you be set free, free indeed, of these things.

Blessings,

B

Hi B,

 

We are both really looking forward to seeing you tonight.

 

Just a few things on my mind...

 

-last week I had a huge "flesh uprising'...I had horrible attitudes toward my family and "hated" everyone (it was for one afternoon)!  I felt "disdain" for each family member...it was really shocking and I found it difficult to repent of these "feelings" because I felt kinda out of control about it, like it was a feeling I couldn't control. And then I started wondering if I know how to love at all and it made me doubt. I feel very concerned about this and I'm not sure what to do about it except to keep dying to myself.  I have continued to do unselfish things toward everyone...the way to become loving is to do loving things...but am I REALLY changing? I think I am...I had totally different att/int/mot toward my family and I am doing different things because I love them! But that day when I "felt" unloving is disturbing...comments? You don't have to respond in an email.

 

-the past few days I've had intense panic and anxiety, I've been feeling very fearful and I want that gone. I don't know what to do about it. Partly due to the earthquake, I have a deep fear of them and often worry about what might happen if we had one in our area. Also totally not at peace because of J's situation...I feel anxiety about what our budget is going to look like with a new salary and all the anxious thoughts about medical insurance and such with a new job. The GOOD thing is he has two M interviews this week, one is right now. So, it could very well be that one of those could turn into a new position.

 

I KNOW the Lord has "been there 10,000 times" and will continue to be...I trust that He will provide for us...so what am I so wigged out about!!??!? 

 

-Also having fear about hs, am I doing enough (or rather am I doing too much!!!), my sister grills the kids (nicely) about what they are learning and we saw her last week, fear about what others may think...just totally stupid random F E A Rs!

 

I've been struggling the past few days with a sense of dread and fear...I just want to talk to you about it. I don't like it and it seems completely "unfitting" for a believer to have fear.

 

Thanks for loving me!!

 

love, me :)

Today

Lord, I just want an anonymous place to talk to you.

I have had so much fear lately. I can feel it in my heart. Anxiety.

I guess what I feel most scared about is...uncertainty! Seems silly, really, but Father, I need your peace and your mind...I am having a difficult time processing and need to get a grip!